Scan Updates

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I Really thought I would be sharing different news today, but unfortunately, I’m facing radiation again 😩

The lung nodule we had planned to treat in January (which I ended up canceling because it had actually remained stable since the previous scans) has continued to grow again. Because of its proximity to my heart and major blood vessels, the bigger it gets, the riskier treatment gets. I therefore need to do radiation. Soonest I can meet with the radiation oncologist is Monday, and then we move forward with a plan.

The anger, grief, and despair I am feeling are all-consuming. Every hit with this cancer shit feels like a diagnosis all over again. I SO thought this was my turning point. That things were moving in a better direction, and I could take some time to distance myself from the intensity of it all. To feel a little normal again. To continue to heal, instead of adding more insult to injury. I have worked SO hard to heal! To learn everything I possibly can, get as many tools under my belt as possible, experiment, and address every corner of health I can in order to get better… but here I sit. Needing radiation again.

I don’t know how to move forward yet. My days are already consumed with trying to take care of myself. I don’t know how much more I can do. It’s already not sustainable. I don’t know where the balance is. I don’t know how to maintain hope in times like this. I feel like I’m barely living; all it seems like I do is try to keep from dying.

I’m so tired of only being able to live and plan in these small chunks of time, and even then, stuff can still completely go to shit. And yes, I know Everyone’s plans can go out the window, but I legitimately cannot safely plan anything anymore, and have to fear for my life on top of it all.

The positive news is that nothing new showed up on the scans, and the remaining lung nodules have essentially remained stable. I am aware of these good pieces of information, but right now, it’s really hard to get and maintain a grip on everything.

I’m feeling foolish and heart broken… maybe I’m crazy for expecting miracles. But I refuse to accept that this could take me down.

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Published by Lauren

Welcome! Thank you for being here! My name is Lauren Doyle. My husband and I have been married since 2013, and together since 2011. We have 2 wonderful kids and live in the Twin Cities suburbs. I have both a Master’s and a Doctorate and am a board-certified Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner. I also have the student loans to prove it. In 2019 our lives were turned upside down. Our daughter was born with a serious heart defect that required open heart surgery when she was just 5 days old. A couple weeks after her birth (while she was still in the hospital), I found a mass in my abdomen which required major emergency surgery to remove. At first, we were told it was just a fibroid; we learned about a week later that the mass was a rare and aggressive type of cancer – leiomyosarcoma. Through multiple surgeries and chemo, I have come out the other side, changed in many ways. I am now considered Stage IV, with a chemo-induced heart condition, and struggle with several other severe side effects from treatments. I continue to work and live and love as best as I can. I will not claim to have all the answers about anything, but I can tell you I have learned a LOT in my 35+ years of life thus far. My passion has always been helping and educating people in whatever ways possible. I am hoping this blog will allow me to do that for a broader population beyond the patients I see at work, share my unique journey, and help keep friends and family in the loop along the way. Thank you again for being here.

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One thought on “Scan Updates”

  1. Oh, Lauren, I hate you are struggling. Your beautiful face is hiding such turmoil inside. I’m thanking God for the good news, no new nodules, previous ones holding steady (except one) and will be praying that radiation will shrink that one without causing more damage and more physical challenges for you to overcome. You seriously are a warrior!! You keep pushing forward. Keep fighting, with everything you’ve got. Everyone that knows your story will continue to lift you up in prayer. Please, Lord, bless this lovely woman with a miracle! 

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