More Radiation Needed 🥺

Uncategorized 2 Minutes

This past week has been incredibly stressful as we’ve had to navigate yet another shit storm of cancer.

I need radiation to an aggressive lung nodule in my left upper lobe. We’re going to try proton therapy this time, in the hopes that it will cause minimal collateral damage to my heart and other vital structures. We’ll also be attempting every other day treatments, and playing around with my meds to see if we can avoid a terrifying cardiac episode like last time 😓 The plan is start October 30 (the day before Sloane’s birthday 😢).

I’ve been exploring some new possible ways to strengthen my system in preparation for more treatment, and desperately trying to keep my mental health in check. Terror, grief, despair, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, panic… they don’t even begin to describe the emotions constantly swirling in my mind. I keep saying, no human is meant to deal with this much trauma for this long. Knowing that the trauma and stress are further weakening my ability to heal is a complete mind F*! It’s all just a swirling labyrinth of shit.

As usual, I am inundated with more possible avenues of action. Drugs, herbs, protocols, therapies, confusing and conflicting research every which way… the stress of it all is beyond overwhelming. And NO ONE knows the answer. But the overwhelm needs to be managed, because that is also delaying healing 🙄🙄😤

Complicated and frustrating don’t even scratch the surface. This is beyond maddening.

I am asking God, the Universe, my angels, ancestors, and my prayer warriors: Please lift us up as we move forward through the continued unknown. I want to Heal!!! I am meant for more!!

Every day I affirm: I am healthy. I am whole. I am cancer-free.

I believe there are better days ahead. I am trying to allow, rather than chase, the positive vibrations and outcomes I desire. But fear rears its ugly head and I struggle to keep moving forward.

None of this has gotten easier. The trauma and terror have become familiar, but they are not my friends. My mind and body are trying to protect me.. but at what cost?! I want to live. Heal. Flourish. Thank you God, angels, and ancestors for continuing to guide the way ❤️‍🩹

Unknown's avatar

Published by Lauren

Welcome! Thank you for being here! My name is Lauren Doyle. My husband and I have been married since 2013, and together since 2011. We have 2 wonderful kids and live in the Twin Cities suburbs. I have both a Master’s and a Doctorate and am a board-certified Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner. I also have the student loans to prove it. In 2019 our lives were turned upside down. Our daughter was born with a serious heart defect that required open heart surgery when she was just 5 days old. A couple weeks after her birth (while she was still in the hospital), I found a mass in my abdomen which required major emergency surgery to remove. At first, we were told it was just a fibroid; we learned about a week later that the mass was a rare and aggressive type of cancer – leiomyosarcoma. Through multiple surgeries and chemo, I have come out the other side, changed in many ways. I am now considered Stage IV, with a chemo-induced heart condition, and struggle with several other severe side effects from treatments. I continue to work and live and love as best as I can. I will not claim to have all the answers about anything, but I can tell you I have learned a LOT in my 35+ years of life thus far. My passion has always been helping and educating people in whatever ways possible. I am hoping this blog will allow me to do that for a broader population beyond the patients I see at work, share my unique journey, and help keep friends and family in the loop along the way. Thank you again for being here.

Published

Leave a comment