I’ve been home from the hospital for 1 week now. I am extremely glad to be home, but I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy. Recovery is still very tough, and I’m finding it difficult to not overdo it. I see all the things that need to be done, I want to go back to normal, and absolutely hate being helpless with so many things. There have been a lot of tears due to frustration from my deficits and limitations, and all too often, the gravity of everything that has transpired over the last few weeks hits me like a ton of bricks.
I’m still not able to safely take the stairs on my own, my right leg buckles from time to time, I can’t get my right arm above my shoulder, I can’t lift or carry anything over 10 lbs, I still have a lot of pain, and my right hand/arm can barely pick up or hold anything. Part of me knows that I just had major surgery less than 3 weeks ago, but another part of me just wants to go back to normal life.
I had to get a 4-wheel walker to take anytime I leave the house. Besides providing a place to sit if I need to rest or conserve my energy, I’m still a fall risk, so can’t take my chances walking far without it. During my final inpatient physical therapy session last week, I had a fall. We were outside walking on different surfaces, testing my abilities and endurance. During our last lap around the block, my knee buckled without any warning and I fell straight down on my butt. It was physically painful, but I think my pride was hurt even more. How, on my very last day of therapy, could that happen?! I’m so tired of feeling like I can’t trust my body! 😢
I had my first outpatient OT appointment this past week, and will be seeing them twice weekly going forward. I have my first outpatient PT appointment this coming week, as well as follow-up with the neurosurgeon. Since I can’t drive (and won’t be able to for a while), all the appointments are keeping my mom & me very busy.
I’m doing my best to focus on whatever good I can find in my day, on the kids and Brandon, and the encouraging words from family and friends… but this shit is Hard. And scary. I’m so sick of being scared all the time, of everything seeming so difficult, and feeling like I’m failing at so much. I want so badly to heal. From surgery. From all the chronic problems I’ve been burdened with over the last few years since diagnosis. From cancer.
Good health is so easy to take for granted. Life is easy to take for granted. Count and appreciate your blessings. Thank you all for being some of mine 💜
Lauren MG Doyle 